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12:33 Epiphany

09 October 2013

Yes. It's 12:33.

But regardless of the time, regardless of the day or month, or whatever, I have had an epiphany.

I came across a picture just now.

A picture that literally haunts me straight to my core.

You'd think it were a picture of a lost loved one or perhaps a ghost with the way I'm talking.

But it's not.

It's actually a picture of...

Well...

Me.


Not a scary picture really to those of you who don't know me well.

But to me...it's absolutely heart-wrenching...mortifying even.

This is a picture of me on move-in day my freshman year of college.

This is also a picture of me at my smallest.

Now to most of you I'm sure I don't look that small. But for me this was "small".

In this picture I had just lost close to 50 pounds.

And what's better is back then I still felt HUGE.

Looking at this now, looking at how absolutely incredible I look compared to how I look, how I FEEL now. It's an awful feeling. AWFUL.

I am tired ALL THE TIME. I have ZERO motivation. I'm sluggish and boring and I can't remember the last time I've had an adventure or was spontaneous. And that has nothing to do with a baby and everything to do with ME.

In fact, thinking about it, I haven't been very ME in a long time.

I'm spontaneous. I like to go on random road trips, I love to travel, and roam. I like to play and find new things. I like surprises and adventures. And I haven't been that way in far too long.

And it's hard to say I blame being this way on being fat. But I actually do. As weird as that sounds. I've lost the very thing that makes me the most ME.

For the last year and a half or so I have had a hard time looking in a mirror. And when I do it's never for vein reasons but for self conscious reasons.

I'm the biggest I've ever been. I feel as bad as I look. I don't wear makeup unless going somewhere of importance. I don't get excited about shopping or even finding an outfit to wear. I. AM. MISERABLE.

My drive is at an all time low, due to stress. And my stress makes me eat. And eating makes me bigger. And getting bigger makes me stress.

Catch 22.

But that is over now. It's done. No more excuses no more "I can'ts".

Because tomorrow I'm going to post that picture EVERYWHERE.

On my phone, on my laptop, on the FRIDGE. On a fucking billboard if I have to. A constant reminder of the ME I used to be. The healthier, happier, pick-up-and-go, not-a-care-in-the-world Kerin.

Watch out world.

I'm coming back.