Birth Story

If you have been following my posts at all...I've talked up my birth story to the point where I'm sure you're expecting that I gave birth in one of the most epic ways possible. In a taxi cab on the way to the hospital? Nope. In some strange foreign country? No way. And while part of me secretly hoped my story would be one for the books...it totally wasn't. But I promise I will make it worth the wait. So here I go.I was hands down the most miserable pregnant person on the face of the earth..no seriously. I wasn't "glowing" in fact I was the emotional equivalent of the Grinch (ya know...pre- heart growing two sizes). I waddled like I had a 2ft stick up my ass, I was so physically drained I was practically falling asleep sitting up. I was a freaking trainwreck. So as I neared my due date I gradually became increasingly more hopeful. Every morning I'd wake up thinking "Hey, maybe today's the day!" And then went to bed angry, frustrated, and babyless. A week prior to my due date, while still enthusiastic with hope, I was hitting the lowest of lows. Tuesday I started feeling extremely mild contractions and this is when it all began.

The next day I stayed home from work as that evening my contractions had gained strength. Nothing hospital worthy but still fairly painful. Eventually throughout the day they gained strength and got close enough together for me to think I may actually be in labor. As I had mentioned in my previous post, I had been to the hospital and was told my cervix was too high to get a reading on my progress, so when I finally went to the hospital and they told me I was 3 centimeters I was elated. However, 3 cm is not enough progress to be admitted, so back home went the angry pregnant lady. I was in early labor and contracted for 3 days straight. Strong contractions that got as close as 5 minutes apart and then fell back to 10. On and off for 3 fucking days. I had zero sleep and was a ticking time bomb. I had every intention to get on my knees and beg my midwife at my appointment on the third day to let me into the hospital and somehow help me. Between the pain and the lack of sleep I was so far off my rocker it was ridiculous.

At my appointment, I went in babbling incoherently and bawling, my midwife could tell I was a goner, she did another cervical check and I'll never forget this moment my whole life, she looks at me, smiles (which mind you, was totally weird when you consider where her hand was at the time) and says "guess who's 5 centimeters?". My tears of anguish turned instantly to tears of joy. I knew I was going to be admitted.

Off to the hospital we went. When I finally got into labor and delivery I was asked to drop trou and get into that fancy robe. AS I go to sit on the bed, my water breaks and so it began. I was basically screaming for an epidural at that point, I MAY have been able to go natural but at that point I had been in labor for 3 days and I was done. The epidural was literally a god send. I was FINALLY able to relax and even sleep a little. After being at the hospital for about 2 hours and having met what felt like the entire hospital staff I started feeling different. I looked to my nurse and said that I felt like I was hurting again and I actually felt like i wanted to push. She laughed and said she would send someone in quickly to check me and to give me a higher dosage of medicine. Being a first time mother it was expected that i would have the baby sometime in the late evening and it was only around 6:40 The midwife who was on call at the hospital was in delivery at the time with another woman so they had another doctor come in to check me. I'd also like to mention that this whole time my boyfriend was shitting his pants excited so the fact that I managed to not punch him in the face amidst all this commotion was a miracle in and of itself...but I digress.

The doctor came in to check me and tells me I'm rimming (9.5 cm). The nurse couldn't believe it. Everything from there pretty much felt like a blur. I began to push with every contraction. Finally she was crowning and my midwife was nowhere to be seen. My room of 4 people quickly turned into a room of 10-12 people. Let me tell you, giving birth truly makes you not give a single fuck. I had no less than 8 people staring at my whoo-ha at any given point, it really changes your perspective on everything. I progressed so quickly I ended up having a doctor I had never met before deliver my baby. Which, given the circumstances, didn't really matter at all. Once the doctor was scrubbed up she barely made it over to me before I was pushing out my little girl. It was the most surreal experience ever. She was the most beautiful little peanut I had ever laid eyes on, and I was instantly in love with her, yes, cliche I know, but I just wanted to kiss the ever living crap out of her.

One of the few things that DID however stick out to me during this whole ordeal was the fucking BLOOD PRESSURE CUFF. Now I'm not a small person by an means, but I've never really had a problem with BP cuffs before. Generally, the doctor would just get the a bigger cuff and call it a day. This cuff had a vendetta against me. They had an automatic one monitoring my BP every few minutes, and it was malfunctioning. Those buggers generally dont hurt until the last squeeze or so...but Motherf***er would get all the way to practically popping, malfunction, and then CONTINUE SQUEEZING. I was in the middle of pushing my little peanut out and I remember hearing the blood pressure cuff start to pump up again and in the middle of pushing I remember just screaming "Get this fucking cuff off me!!!". My boyfriend saw that I was losing my damn mind over it and even though he wasn't supposed to he ripped it off me. After further examination of my arm later on, the thing had literally broken a TON of blood capillaries on my arm and gave me a bruise almost the size of my fist. It was sad to tell everyone that my delivery wasn't really that bad but the blood pressure cuff was what took my ass out...nice. Remember how I said I would make this post worth the wait? Well here it is. THIS my dear readers, is my little bug:








Born March 1, 2013 at 7:10 PM. 7lbs 10oz of pure fiestiness...just like her momma.

What They Don't Tell You About L&D (2)

It's weird how I've become so accustomed writing here.. And not gunna lie I totally freaking love it. So to continue my last post...

About a week prior my due date I was feeling like I had been run over by a damn train so off to the hospital I went. My midwife followed the standard procedure of checking every possible issue, which as annoying as it was, was extremely reassuring. Finally the moment came, it was time to check my cervix (lovely). But when you're all kinds of pregnant the thought of finding out how dilated you are and potentially how close you are to having your baby, it's the greatest thought in the world. So of course she suits up and dives in to what feels like her damn shoulder(I apologize about the visual).... and then nothing. Finally after a few minutes and a few profanities and tears on my part later, she looks to me and says the one thing you NEVER want to hear at 39 weeks pregnant, "your cervix is too high". My cervix is too WHAT NOW? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T REACH IT?!? I thought I was gunna lose my damn mind. Due in a week and you can't even tell me if I'm dilated or not? So naturally I thought what any person would at that point.... I was destined to be pregnant forever. Some women find out at 36 weeks that they're a centimeter or two dilated and here I am with a cervix that is apparently located in my throat. Fan-freaking-tastic. So what now? Am I supposed to go home and do jumping jacks? Frustration was seriously overwhelming me at this point.

The moral of the story, my friends? A week later I was holding my little one. Patience may very well be a virtue but my god is it hard to be patient while pregnant, especially that close to go time. It's important to note also that you can sit on 3 cm for WEEKS without having your baby or go from not dilated to having your baby hours later. The only thing you can do at that point is try your best to maintain your sanity and be patiient.

Another extremely common misconception is the stereotypical idea of how our water breaks. Every movie we watch it shows a woman having her water break in the middle of the night or while she's out during the day. What many people don't know is that, in fact, is fairly uncommon. Oftentimes a water is broken by the doctor during labor. My water broke at the hospital literally AS I got into the bed. In typical Kerin fashion. Leave it to me to inconvenience anyone and everyone and it doesn't stop there so be prepared for my birth story to come shortly.

What They Don't Tell You About L&D

Ahhhhhh see now here is where it starts to get interesting... And I promise to not scare the ever living shit out of you with gory details.

Every woman, every labor and delivery, and every baby are different. Some women have these awful terrible war/birth stories while others who must have done something right in life have practically painless births. And while we all hope and pray to the delivery gods that that we will be one of the lucky ones, ANYTHING can happen. Some women are so dead set on having everything happen a certain way and while that's great and all you really should have only two things in mind. The health of your baby and you. And trust me, if you over think everything (as I always do) it will just make everything exponentially worse.

Which brings me to the birth plan. Anywhere and everywhere you look they tell you to have a birth plan. Basically it's a list of prego demands and can include anything from the ambiance of the room (lights, music, TV), to who you want at the birth, to the method of birth, to medications and interventions during and after birth. And while I normally never condone preparedness and lists (cause sweet Jesus I love me some lists) it can be a complete waste of time. If you walk into the hospital dead set on how you want to have that baby you are likely to be disappointed. And while it's not impossible to have everything go exactly as you have planned, you really have to consider all your options and KNOW that anything can happen. I am a prime example of this but I will share my birth story another time (be prepared for that one, folks). I will, however give you an example. I went from 0 to liftoff in what felt like the worlds shortest period of time. The nurses had basically put me on the backburner because I should not have progressed as quickly as I did especially as a first timer. Long story short, not only did I NOT have the midwife I was in love with because she wasn't on call at the hospital that day, but the midwife that WAS on (my least favorite of the 4 midwives at my office, go figure) wasn't even able to make it to me in time before I delivered. So essentially I had a doctor of whom I had met 30 seconds prior to her delivering my peanut. Like I mentioned. previously number one is the safety and health of your new little one and you... Everything else should really come second.

Let me take a second to give a shout out to contractions. Ya, that's right you evil bastards, I'm talking to you. Some women (apparently women who hit the freaking childbirth lottery) don't really feel contractions, it's rare but can happen. So it's good to know we are not completely destined to suffer through them. But if you're like 99.9999998% of us, prepare for the shitstorm that is contractions. Now I may be a bit biased as my contractions lasted 3 days (no that wasn't a typo , my early labor was 3 goddamn days long) but still. Nothing was comfortable, and it's impossible to sleep through them. So needless to say I was a very pregnant, very angry zombie lady by the third day. No bueno.

Epidural, oh how I love thee, let me count the ways. I was so beyond misinformed about epidurals so let me enlighten you, please. My pain tolerance is sub par at best ...so when I say I felt almost no pain receiving it, I truly mean it. It may be something to consider however that I had been in labor for 3 days prior to that and I was exhausted and in so much pain from the contractions that the epidural was a freakin breeze. I always had assumed that with an epidural you went all limp noodle from the waist down...also not true, my friends. It may depend on your hospital/ anesthesiologist but mine couldn't have been more perfect...I could just barely feel my contractions but still had FULL CONTROL of my legs. That's right, you heard correctly. And for me it was a lifesaver, it allowed me to relax for the first time in 3 damn days. If I wanted to I could have totally gotten up and taken a short stroll after delivering her, not that I'd want to, or that they'd even consider letting me, but I definitely would have been capable of it. And the best part you ask? I could still feel JUST enough so that when it was time to deliver I wasn't guessing whether or not I was pushing. One side effect I did have from it, which doesn't happen to everyone is itchiness. As annoying as it should have been the feeling of not contracting for me far outweighed the itch.

This post will definitely be continued as I hadn't realized I was blathering on as long as I was, please feel free to stop me if need be or you could just comment and subscribe ;)