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Birth Story

25 March 2013



If you have been following my posts at all...I've talked up my birth story to the point where I'm sure you're expecting that I gave birth in one of the most epic ways possible. In a taxi cab on the way to the hospital? Nope. In some strange foreign country? No way. And while part of me secretly hoped my story would be one for the books...it totally wasn't. But I promise I will make it worth the wait. So here I go.I was hands down the most miserable pregnant person on the face of the earth..no seriously. I wasn't "glowing" in fact I was the emotional equivalent of the Grinch (ya know...pre- heart growing two sizes). I waddled like I had a 2ft stick up my ass, I was so physically drained I was practically falling asleep sitting up. I was a freaking trainwreck. So as I neared my due date I gradually became increasingly more hopeful. Every morning I'd wake up thinking "Hey, maybe today's the day!" And then went to bed angry, frustrated, and babyless. A week prior to my due date, while still enthusiastic with hope, I was hitting the lowest of lows. Tuesday I started feeling extremely mild contractions and this is when it all began.

The next day I stayed home from work as that evening my contractions had gained strength. Nothing hospital worthy but still fairly painful. Eventually throughout the day they gained strength and got close enough together for me to think I may actually be in labor. As I had mentioned in my previous post, I had been to the hospital and was told my cervix was too high to get a reading on my progress, so when I finally went to the hospital and they told me I was 3 centimeters I was elated. However, 3 cm is not enough progress to be admitted, so back home went the angry pregnant lady. I was in early labor and contracted for 3 days straight. Strong contractions that got as close as 5 minutes apart and then fell back to 10. On and off for 3 fucking days. I had zero sleep and was a ticking time bomb. I had every intention to get on my knees and beg my midwife at my appointment on the third day to let me into the hospital and somehow help me. Between the pain and the lack of sleep I was so far off my rocker it was ridiculous.

At my appointment, I went in babbling incoherently and bawling, my midwife could tell I was a goner, she did another cervical check and I'll never forget this moment my whole life, she looks at me, smiles (which mind you, was totally weird when you consider where her hand was at the time) and says "guess who's 5 centimeters?". My tears of anguish turned instantly to tears of joy. I knew I was going to be admitted.

Off to the hospital we went. When I finally got into labor and delivery I was asked to drop trou and get into that fancy robe. AS I go to sit on the bed, my water breaks and so it began. I was basically screaming for an epidural at that point, I MAY have been able to go natural but at that point I had been in labor for 3 days and I was done. The epidural was literally a god send. I was FINALLY able to relax and even sleep a little. After being at the hospital for about 2 hours and having met what felt like the entire hospital staff I started feeling different. I looked to my nurse and said that I felt like I was hurting again and I actually felt like i wanted to push. She laughed and said she would send someone in quickly to check me and to give me a higher dosage of medicine. Being a first time mother it was expected that i would have the baby sometime in the late evening and it was only around 6:40 The midwife who was on call at the hospital was in delivery at the time with another woman so they had another doctor come in to check me. I'd also like to mention that this whole time my boyfriend was shitting his pants excited so the fact that I managed to not punch him in the face amidst all this commotion was a miracle in and of itself...but I digress.

The doctor came in to check me and tells me I'm rimming (9.5 cm). The nurse couldn't believe it. Everything from there pretty much felt like a blur. I began to push with every contraction. Finally she was crowning and my midwife was nowhere to be seen. My room of 4 people quickly turned into a room of 10-12 people. Let me tell you, giving birth truly makes you not give a single fuck. I had no less than 8 people staring at my whoo-ha at any given point, it really changes your perspective on everything. I progressed so quickly I ended up having a doctor I had never met before deliver my baby. Which, given the circumstances, didn't really matter at all. Once the doctor was scrubbed up she barely made it over to me before I was pushing out my little girl. It was the most surreal experience ever. She was the most beautiful little peanut I had ever laid eyes on, and I was instantly in love with her, yes, cliche I know, but I just wanted to kiss the ever living crap out of her.

One of the few things that DID however stick out to me during this whole ordeal was the fucking BLOOD PRESSURE CUFF. Now I'm not a small person by an means, but I've never really had a problem with BP cuffs before. Generally, the doctor would just get the a bigger cuff and call it a day. This cuff had a vendetta against me. They had an automatic one monitoring my BP every few minutes, and it was malfunctioning. Those buggers generally dont hurt until the last squeeze or so...but Motherf***er would get all the way to practically popping, malfunction, and then CONTINUE SQUEEZING. I was in the middle of pushing my little peanut out and I remember hearing the blood pressure cuff start to pump up again and in the middle of pushing I remember just screaming "Get this fucking cuff off me!!!". My boyfriend saw that I was losing my damn mind over it and even though he wasn't supposed to he ripped it off me. After further examination of my arm later on, the thing had literally broken a TON of blood capillaries on my arm and gave me a bruise almost the size of my fist. It was sad to tell everyone that my delivery wasn't really that bad but the blood pressure cuff was what took my ass out...nice. Remember how I said I would make this post worth the wait? Well here it is. THIS my dear readers, is my little bug:








Born March 1, 2013 at 7:10 PM. 7lbs 10oz of pure fiestiness...just like her momma.