I Want It All

I'm sure you're familiar with the saying “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” Gee, thanks Confucius...But if I did that I'd be 4 trillion dollars in debt. And the more I truly think about what would make me happy the more confused I become. I love interior design and all things decorating. I have a knack for it... I always have. It's actually what I went to school for however, being in the field now makes me honestly consider if it would be enough.

I also love and sincerely miss working with children. I thought that would go away after having bug...but it hasn't. I worked as a babysitter starting at the very very early age of 12 and continued to do so in my spare time up until a year ago. I worked as a camp counselor for four years and also as a teaching assistant in an early learning center. EVERY SINGLE one of these jobs I have loved. There is nothing more fulfilling to me then working with children and watching them learn and grow into these little people. And yes, granted I had my few kids I wanted to throw out the window on occasion, but at the end of the day, those kids still had my heart. I'm pretty certain my love of working with children stems from being an only child. As a kid I begged and begged for my parents to give me a brother or sister and it just wasn't meant to be. All my friends would tell me how lucky I am and how great it is to not have anyone picking on you or having to share anything but people who have siblings really don't understand how lonely it is. The grass is always greener on the other side right? Well, these kids became that for me.

I'll never forget my final week working at the school a parent came up to me and gave me a hug and said "Can I tell you something?...I love that not once have I ever heard you call them "my students" you ALWAYS refer to them as "my kids"" And that's what they were to me. As much as I was there to help them learn, they were also MY kids. One little girl, let's call her E...her, her mother, and father were like the world's most PERFECT family. Like, super sweet and loving, and always smiling, just perfect. Well, E was SUPER quiet, especially when I had first met her, but what a sweetheart she was. She was sort of picked on by the other girls for being so quiet so I would take them all aside and try and work my magic. Soon enough E started opening up and she would come to me with issues with other children or if she just needed a lap to sit on.

One day I needed to leave early for an appointment of sorts and just made a quick announcement during lunch to the class that I would be leaving for the rest of the day and E instantly bowed her head and started to cry. I felt AWFUL. My heart shattered. I assumed she would just get over it and forget I was even gone, as I'm sure the rest of the class did. So I gave her a hug told her I'd be back the next day, and left. But the next day, her mom came up to me and said that E had mentioned I left yesterday and was sad THE REST OF THE NIGHT. Little did I know how much of an impact I had on this little girl, her mom looked at me smiled and said "She talks about you all the time, she really loves you" squeezed my arm and left. I was blown away. Shortly after this I had decided that I was going to leave the school and knew I needed to break it to the class. The LAST thing I had wanted was to leave these kids. It took me a week...A WEEK to muster up the courage to tell them. And when I did E was a wreck. She cried even during naptime...so I sat beside her cot and held her hand until she fell asleep. My final day at work when her mom came to pick her up HER MOM was crying. This sweet woman, I couldn't even believe it. She told me I was the first person that E had really let in...she's always extremely quiet but she wasn't when she was with me. I had no idea I meant that much to them. And she gave me the most heartfelt card. I miss them, so so much.

I also would love to pursue photography. But it's one of the few jobs that requires an investment. And photography equipment and software is NOT FUCKING CHEAP. Lenses for a camera can cost 2..even 3 times as much as the actual camera EACH. And Photoshop is like 400+. Oy. I just don't have that kinda money.

I also love to be a stay at home mom and spend all hours of the day with bug, playing and cuddling.

I just want it all. And the only solution to that is winning the lottery apparently. That way I could pursue all outlets and never worry about how much I was making or how much things were costing.

Maybe one day I'll figure it out but for now I'll be stuck in this job-limbo. Awesome.