Parrot baby

The other night my mom and I were sitting with bug and playing with her. She was in one of those intoxicating playful moods, where she is just babbling and cooing and smiling away..similar to the picture seen below.




So I look at her, get right up in her cute little bug face, and sing "lalalala" to which I then take her little chiny-chin-chin and make her mouth "lalalala" back like a baby ventriloquist dummy. I did this maybe 5 times back and forth (because stupid shit like this is how I entertain myself) and the last time I did it, I SWEAR TO GOD, she looks at me with those big beautiful blue bug eyes and goes "ah-ah-ah-ah".

I just about shit my pants.

I have a parrot for a baby.

My mom and I look at each other with that "is this real life" face and just instantly start laughing. My 2 month old just imitated me. *Rubs hands together maliciously* THIS could get interesting.

So my first thought, obviously as a parent, is that clearly I have a baby genius on my hands. We all know as parents when we get our baby to do something cute or smart or funny...we keep repeating it to try and get them to do it again. So I did...and my mom and I sat there WAITING...and nothing. DAMN IT. And what's better is now I'm pretty sure she's looking at us with a "wtf is wrong with you" face, because the two of us are in absolute hysterics over this mini milestone and staring into her soul waiting for her to do it again.

I have this amazing, beautiful, expensive (for me) camera and a phone that is ALWAYS on my person...and yet somehow I still manage to miss all these moments.... Kicking myself in the ass. Oh well...maybe next time...here's hoping!

Countin' Calories.

So I will be starting my post baby diet this week. I'm very familiar with dieting unfortunately ... And the one thing that has always worked for me is calorie counting. The looks I used to get when people asked me how I was losing so much weight were downright hilarious it was like I was telling them I ate a strict diet of vodka and pancakes.



But really if you truly think about it... It's THE BEST diet to be on. All calorie counting really is is portion control. You want that giant piece of cake?... Well by all means but now you only have 100 calories left for your whole day so good luck with that one. I've done A LOT of research into it and for my height it's suggested I should be allotting myself 1200 calories for the day while on a diet... Or 400 calories a meal. I DO NOT count fruit or vegetables EVER. It's just my philosophy, and regardless the diet still works.

I'll give you 12 reasons why this diet is better than all the others:

1. You can eat anything you want within moderation. EVEN CARBS.
2. The better you eat...the MORE you can eat.
3. It's SO easy.
4. Even restaurants are beginning to put calories on their menus.
5. Some restaurants even offer reduced calorie menu options.
6. When coupled with exercise you can lose some serious weight...FAST.
7. It makes it super easy to learn how to maintain your weight. You don't have to "introduce" foods back into your diet and pray for the best... you just increase your calorie intake.
8. You CAN have desserts.
9. You start to get creative with cooking trying to find lower calorie recipes for your favorite foods.
10. The possibilities of food choices are ENDLESS.
11. There is no service you have to pay for.
12. No stupid meetings.


Doing this diet I had lost almost 50 lbs in 3 months... and YES I was exercising. And there is NO WAY I would have been able to lose that amount of weight in that time frame without. I was going to the gym around 4-6 times a week. But I was not one of those gym rats by any means. I did a little cardio, some weights, and was there somewhere between an hour and 2 hours every time. And just to give you an idea, this is what you can expect for calorie burning activities:



Are you reading what I'm reading? That shit says SITTING burns calories...ask me how excited I am about that.

I know they recommend 1-2 pounds a week but lets be real...that sucks. Sure, it's still weight...but we're people...we want to see RESULTS...Instant gratification. I was by no means starving myself, I ate often and A LOT...and I was busting ass a few times a week in the gym and for the first month I was losing 5-7lbs a week. Yep. Insane, I know. And then after the first month it turned into about 2-5 lbs a week. THOSE, my friends, are results.

So back to the gym my ass goes...lets see how it goes this time around...anddd of course I will be updating as I go.

Stanky

So the other day bug and I were taking a stroll through Target...which by the way I need to stop doing. How does my trip to buy coffee turn into a 50 dollar purchase?...Damnit, I'm on to you, Target. It must be something in the air...which IRONICALLY is a perfect segue into today's post. Bug and I were going about our meaningless humdrum shopping spree...and it happened. It was like I was smashed in the face with a sack of fucking rocks. Old lady perfume.

And don't play coy you know EXACTLY what one I'm talking about. I'm CERTAIN there is only one scent that they all wear and it is god AWFUL.



Now, I suppose old lady perfume wouldn't be so horrid if they didn't bathe themselves in it, which leads me to believe that SCENT along with sight and hearing also deteriorates with age. I don't know what it is about old lady perfume but that shit LINGERS. I couldn't tell if it was following me or if it was stuck in my nostrils torturing the hell out of my nose.



On top of the fact that we all know there are two types of perfumes. There are those you are allowed to spray like twice before they start to make your eyes water from being so pungent and then there are those that you can spray 70-80 times and lose your scent by the time you walk 10 feet. You know you're wearing too much perfume if you can taste it...seriously, Grandma.. Ease off.

I literally picture them walking around like little pigpens...you know that little stanky kid from the peanuts who had like a hoard of dirt and smell drawn around him at all times?...ya know...this kid...



Except instead of dirt it's the old lady odor lurking waiting to suffocate its next victims. My message to you older ladies ...Fine, wear your perfume, just please, for the sake of everyone within a mile radius of you, LESS IS MORE....But none is better :)