Such Is My Life Continued

Rain. Sucks.

I mean don't get me wrong I'm all about free car washes...but there's also a fine line between a summer shower and an ark-requiring-armageddon down pour.

And THAT is the type of rain I witnessed today.

SO there I was at my house just about to leave for work watching the rain cascade through the sky whilst I mentally abuse myself for even considering making myself look presentable by doing my hair and makeup. Waste of effing time.

When there..before my eyes.. the sky opened up...the clouds spread apart and the rain began to slow. The birds were singing the sun was shining and I laughed maniacally all the way to my car at my invincibility to mother nature and all she feebly threw at me.

As I sat in my car and shut the door, I SWEAR the rain started up again. Like something out of a movie.

So high on my horse I rode to work in the pouring rain and the closer I got to work the more the rain slowed down and again I laughed to myself at how awesome I was.

Until that is...I parked my car.

And mother nature decided to metaphorically spit in my face for ever thinking I had outsmarted her.

Because it poured...and it poured...and it poured.

And I sat in my car insisting with each passing minute that there was a faint possibility that it would stop soon.

Until finally I needed to leave or I would be late to work.

And this wasn't just any rain either...it was that post apocalyptic rain I had been referring to earlier.

And guess who decided to be Comfortable Carol (you like that?) and not wear a bra today.

Yep. This guy right here.

So off I dodged to the door.

But it was a useless attempt for after a mere 10th of a second after I stepped out of the car I was absolutely and disgustingly drenched.

And you know how we women all like to think that we look something like this in the rain:

or this

Well lezbehonest we all look a lot more like this:

or this

So there I am soaking wet, looking like a hot ass mess when what happens?

I ALMOST slip and fall on my ass due to traction-less flip flops and copious amounts of water on the floor. THANK HEAVENS for my coworker behind me who so gallantly caught me before I ate shit and totally wiped out.

This is my life. I'm just here for your entertainment. Please enjoy.

Such is My Life

I picked a terrible day to not wear a bra... Just sayin.

I Don't Do Bugs

I know I can speak for most women when I say how much bugs suck.

(Yes yes, I know it's ironic that I call my baby "bug"...but still)

I don't do bugs.

Anything with more than four legs freaks me the fuck out.

Around any insect I swear I go into a full blown panic attack mode and my body and brain stop functioning normally.

And everyone's all like "oh stop it, just kill the damn thing"
And I'm like "Um No, I'm not fucking moving, I swear it's looking at me and can smell my fear."

And then they say something completely ridiculous like "Just hit it with your shoe"
So I clearly respond by telling the person they're off their damn rocker if they think Im getting within a 3ft radius of that thing and then following up by smashing it with my favorite flip flops only to get nasty bug carcass all over my shoe, ya no thanks. All set.

I just...I don't do bugs.

Did I mention that my house IS COVERED IN BUGS?!?!

It's like something straight out of a fucking horror movie.

I USED to live in the boondocks, and even living in a remote area, surrounded by trees and things that make outrageously creepy noises at night, I still didn't even have close to the number of insect-y things as I do in this house.

So how have I survived all this time you ask?

Boyfriend. That's how.

This is every woman's agreement, it's in that invisible contract we sign when we enter a relationship. The same one that states that they control the remote, and we never talk about our periods...whatever. There's a clause somewhere in there that states the man has bug/spider duty.

Ahh yes, spiders. Which in my mind do NOT qualify as insects but more along the lines of 8 legged terrorists.

I don't do bugs...but I DEFINITELY don't do spiders. I'll take an army of pretty much any insect before I try and tackle a spider.

I mean obviously there are some that don't bother me nearly as much or even at all really like ants or ladybugs but there's nothing really scary or gross or evil looking about either of those.

SO it's summer now and boyfriend is on bug duty and I'm almost certain he's reconsidering and reevaluating our relationship as we speak. Last night I asked him at least three times to check the bed for bugs. Psycho I know, but lord knows if I found a bug on me in the middle of the night I would go absolutely bat shit and not sleep for the remainder of the night week...and then to make matters worse any little touch or hair or any semblance of foreign contact with my body would give me a friggin aneurysm.

Ugh this is just one thing I DO NOT LIKE about the summer months...

If I haven't mentioned it before...

I. DON'T. DO. BUGS.

Blegh.