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I Don't Do Bugs

09 July 2013

I know I can speak for most women when I say how much bugs suck.

(Yes yes, I know it's ironic that I call my baby "bug"...but still)

I don't do bugs.

Anything with more than four legs freaks me the fuck out.

Around any insect I swear I go into a full blown panic attack mode and my body and brain stop functioning normally.

And everyone's all like "oh stop it, just kill the damn thing"
And I'm like "Um No, I'm not fucking moving, I swear it's looking at me and can smell my fear."

And then they say something completely ridiculous like "Just hit it with your shoe"
So I clearly respond by telling the person they're off their damn rocker if they think Im getting within a 3ft radius of that thing and then following up by smashing it with my favorite flip flops only to get nasty bug carcass all over my shoe, ya no thanks. All set.

I just...I don't do bugs.

Did I mention that my house IS COVERED IN BUGS?!?!

It's like something straight out of a fucking horror movie.

I USED to live in the boondocks, and even living in a remote area, surrounded by trees and things that make outrageously creepy noises at night, I still didn't even have close to the number of insect-y things as I do in this house.

So how have I survived all this time you ask?

Boyfriend. That's how.


This is every woman's agreement, it's in that invisible contract we sign when we enter a relationship. The same one that states that they control the remote, and we never talk about our periods...whatever. There's a clause somewhere in there that states the man has bug/spider duty.

Ahh yes, spiders. Which in my mind do NOT qualify as insects but more along the lines of 8 legged terrorists.

I don't do bugs...but I DEFINITELY don't do spiders. I'll take an army of pretty much any insect before I try and tackle a spider.


I mean obviously there are some that don't bother me nearly as much or even at all really like ants or ladybugs but there's nothing really scary or gross or evil looking about either of those.

SO it's summer now and boyfriend is on bug duty and I'm almost certain he's reconsidering and reevaluating our relationship as we speak. Last night I asked him at least three times to check the bed for bugs. Psycho I know, but lord knows if I found a bug on me in the middle of the night I would go absolutely bat shit and not sleep for the remainder of the night week...and then to make matters worse any little touch or hair or any semblance of foreign contact with my body would give me a friggin aneurysm.

Ugh this is just one thing I DO NOT LIKE about the summer months...

If I haven't mentioned it before...

I. DON'T. DO. BUGS.

Blegh.