I'm A Hazard...

Seriously... I need to wear like a sign or something. I can't do anything without spilling something or hurting myself or hurting someone else.

It's a problem.

So I'm in the breakroom enjoying my apple when I see this:

I don't know how easily you can distinguish what is going on in this picture but that red business in the middle of my apple is blood.

No seriously.

Because only I would be capable of eating an apple and bleeding. How does that even happen you ask?

Little factoid: pregnancy makes your gums SUPER DUPER RIDICULOUSLY sensitive and you are very susceptible to gingivitis while pregnant.

Well that shit has yet to go away.

SOMEHOW I managed to rip my gums open eating an apple and now my fruit is a tainted and gross.

I'm a hazard.

Story of my life.

Parrot baby

The other night my mom and I were sitting with bug and playing with her. She was in one of those intoxicating playful moods, where she is just babbling and cooing and smiling away..similar to the picture seen below.




So I look at her, get right up in her cute little bug face, and sing "lalalala" to which I then take her little chiny-chin-chin and make her mouth "lalalala" back like a baby ventriloquist dummy. I did this maybe 5 times back and forth (because stupid shit like this is how I entertain myself) and the last time I did it, I SWEAR TO GOD, she looks at me with those big beautiful blue bug eyes and goes "ah-ah-ah-ah".

I just about shit my pants.

I have a parrot for a baby.

My mom and I look at each other with that "is this real life" face and just instantly start laughing. My 2 month old just imitated me. *Rubs hands together maliciously* THIS could get interesting.

So my first thought, obviously as a parent, is that clearly I have a baby genius on my hands. We all know as parents when we get our baby to do something cute or smart or funny...we keep repeating it to try and get them to do it again. So I did...and my mom and I sat there WAITING...and nothing. DAMN IT. And what's better is now I'm pretty sure she's looking at us with a "wtf is wrong with you" face, because the two of us are in absolute hysterics over this mini milestone and staring into her soul waiting for her to do it again.

I have this amazing, beautiful, expensive (for me) camera and a phone that is ALWAYS on my person...and yet somehow I still manage to miss all these moments.... Kicking myself in the ass. Oh well...maybe next time...here's hoping!

Countin' Calories.

So I will be starting my post baby diet this week. I'm very familiar with dieting unfortunately ... And the one thing that has always worked for me is calorie counting. The looks I used to get when people asked me how I was losing so much weight were downright hilarious it was like I was telling them I ate a strict diet of vodka and pancakes.



But really if you truly think about it... It's THE BEST diet to be on. All calorie counting really is is portion control. You want that giant piece of cake?... Well by all means but now you only have 100 calories left for your whole day so good luck with that one. I've done A LOT of research into it and for my height it's suggested I should be allotting myself 1200 calories for the day while on a diet... Or 400 calories a meal. I DO NOT count fruit or vegetables EVER. It's just my philosophy, and regardless the diet still works.

I'll give you 12 reasons why this diet is better than all the others:

1. You can eat anything you want within moderation. EVEN CARBS.
2. The better you eat...the MORE you can eat.
3. It's SO easy.
4. Even restaurants are beginning to put calories on their menus.
5. Some restaurants even offer reduced calorie menu options.
6. When coupled with exercise you can lose some serious weight...FAST.
7. It makes it super easy to learn how to maintain your weight. You don't have to "introduce" foods back into your diet and pray for the best... you just increase your calorie intake.
8. You CAN have desserts.
9. You start to get creative with cooking trying to find lower calorie recipes for your favorite foods.
10. The possibilities of food choices are ENDLESS.
11. There is no service you have to pay for.
12. No stupid meetings.


Doing this diet I had lost almost 50 lbs in 3 months... and YES I was exercising. And there is NO WAY I would have been able to lose that amount of weight in that time frame without. I was going to the gym around 4-6 times a week. But I was not one of those gym rats by any means. I did a little cardio, some weights, and was there somewhere between an hour and 2 hours every time. And just to give you an idea, this is what you can expect for calorie burning activities:



Are you reading what I'm reading? That shit says SITTING burns calories...ask me how excited I am about that.

I know they recommend 1-2 pounds a week but lets be real...that sucks. Sure, it's still weight...but we're people...we want to see RESULTS...Instant gratification. I was by no means starving myself, I ate often and A LOT...and I was busting ass a few times a week in the gym and for the first month I was losing 5-7lbs a week. Yep. Insane, I know. And then after the first month it turned into about 2-5 lbs a week. THOSE, my friends, are results.

So back to the gym my ass goes...lets see how it goes this time around...anddd of course I will be updating as I go.